When A Rainbow Disappears
by sailor silvimoon
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH
1. Chapter 1

Title**: WHEN A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS  
**Type: Multipart Fic / slightly crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O  
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance, Friendship, Family  
Rating: M  
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH

**DISCLAIMER**: Don't own NCIS or Hawaii Five-O, but I do own my OC's

**A****/N** Some spoilers to various episodes. The time frame is different though. For the sake of the story, the episodes are mixed, they don't go by the order as the show. Tony works for Gibbs for twelve years, Kate has been dead for ten. Some other differences as well.

**WARNING**: SLASH

* * *

**Chapter 1**

It has been three hard weeks and Tony felt he was about to snap. Every year, for the last decade, this time of the year had been hard for him. The painful memories, even the happy ones, and the pain of the lose of a loved-one pushed him on his knees. Everything he was carefully keeping locked down, deep down in his heart threatened to spill over. He was well aware he was cracking. Like a dam that will soon be overflowed. Every case they had was another thing he had to burry inside. Not for the first time he felt like he was suffocating here. He was tired. Tired of how lonely he felt. Tired of the constant feeling of abandonment in his heart. Maybe it was time for him to leave.

He refused the memories, or the feelings that accompanied them, come to the surface. Memories of the blood on his face when Kate, sweet Kate, was killed. Memories of Paula. Her sacrifice to save the rest of them. Memories of Jenny's lifeless body lying in an abandoned bar in the middle of a nowhere. He failed her too. Memories of the time Gibbs got blown up on that damn ship, lost his memories after waking up from the coma and then left to Mexico. Feelings of abandonment, hurt and betrayal. The words _'You'll do'_ haunted him. And when Gibbs returned, he found his stuff in the box on his former desk like they were trash. HE felt like trash in that moment.

He saw the smug expressions on both Ziva and Tim. Their glee of the way he was demoted. Feelings of how he wasn't good enough. Not as a team leader, not as a partner, not as a friend, not as a lover. For months he was constantly reminded by everyone how he wasn't Gibbs. He buried all that deep deep down, focusing all of him on the work. Work kept him sane, because without it...He was nothing. And if he was nothing, what was the reason for him to live?

When Gibbs returned from his hiatus in Mexico, Tony was ecstatic. He welcomed him with a smile, but that smile soon vanished when he saw nothing but coldness in those blue eyes he loved. Gibbs was back. But not because of him. Because he, Tony, needed him. Needed his guidance, needed him...the person he fell for. No, he returned because Ziva, the partner who was supposed to trust him, didn't. She didn't trust he was able to help her. Then again, maybe it was his fault. His fake frat boy persona everyone bought.

He felt old. Drained. Tired. He didn't know who Anthony DiNozzo was anymore. Maybe his true self died that day. With her. His surrogate sister. Kate. The one that left was the shell of the man he used to be. The fake. The joker. The clown. And no one realized it.

It didn't feel like home, not anymore. People who he thought were his surrogate family, weren't. He learned that the hard way. After twelve years. More than once. Usually, he got itchy feet after two years in the same place, but when he met Gibbs everything changed. He changed. And now, he was forced, by his team, but mostly by himself, to find another place. Maybe he should've accepted the offer to Rota when Jenny, proposed to him. Before she died. Before he was reassigned as an Agent Afloat for the whole six months.

He remembered the last time he broke down. Almost a year ago. He found a true friend then. And it surprised him.

_Everything happened so fast he couldn't even track the events anymore. First, the look of hurt and betrayal on Jeanne's face when he told her who he really was. Then his car got blown up. Thankfully, he wasn't in it. It gave him a little satisfaction when he punched Kort in the face. But then he looked at the faces of his teammates. He could easily read the shock, hurt and betrayal written all over them. Seeing the same expression directed at him, twice in the same day, broke his heart. But, he didn't let them see it. Didn't let them see how it affected him. He HAD to lie to them. Why couldn't they see that? Why couldn't they see or understand how hard it was for him to do that? No, they only thought of how they felt betrayed by him. But what about how he felt betrayed by them? Felt that way for months. No one thought about that. Instead of showing them his true feelings, he pushed his own hurt away and hid it under a fake smile and asked gleefully._

_''What? No balloons?''_

_/_

_The guilt, and the feeling how he failed yet another person tormented him. Jenny was dead because of him. Because he was following her orders to stay behind while she... Part of him knew he should have been close, after all he and Ziva were her security while they were in L.A. But, the other part didn't want to get involved in another of her messes. Didn't want to be screwed all over again. And so, he stayed behind, didn't want to believe his gut that something bad would happen. And Jenny got killed. _

_Gibbs' look 'How could you let this happen' almost crippled him. He failed her. He failed him. Again. For a moment, instead of Jenny, he saw Kate. Felt her blood on his face. He failed her too._

_/_

_For the second time in his life he tried to drown his emotions in alcohol. The first time being the day Kate died. Although, he was alone at that time. This time, he found a friend._

_When they returned in D.C., after he wrote his report, he went to a bar and stayed there ordering a shot after a shot. He wanted to forget. Wanted to numb his feelings. Wanted to lose himself. But not in another nameless body. No, that got old a long time ago. He couldn't find satisfaction in sex anymore. The substitutes for the one he really wanted. The one he needed. The one he loved. _

_The one who didn't love him back. _

_When he woke up, he noticed he was lying on a couch in an unfamiliar house. Groaning as he tried to sit, he noticed a bottle of water and two Aspirin pills on the coffee table. _

_''You will have a killer headache. Call in sick for today.'' A familiar voice said behind him and he looked at the source._

_''Fornell. What...? Where...? How...'' Tony stammered, not knowing how he ended up there._

_Then, the memories came back. The alcohol... The tears... The breakdown..._

_''I saw you in the bar last night. You could barely sit straight.'' Fornell explained, deciding not to mention the breakdown he witnessed. Nor the secrets the young man kept hidden. ''Thought it would be for the best if I take you home. For your own good. This is my house. You're welcome to stay for the rest of the day, or for however time you need.''_

_''Thank you.'' Tony said after a moment and looked at the FBI agent in the eyes. ''I appreciate the offer and I think I will take it. Don't want to be alone right now.'' He whispered the last part, hating how lonely and empty he felt._

_''You do know that my offer to join the FBI still stands, do you?'' Fornell asked, sounding casual._

_''I do.'' Tony answered and closed his eyes, biting back the tears that threatened._

_He didn't saw the surprised look on the older man, because every time he offered, Tony would categorically decline. They were both aware that this time that wasn't the case. And after Tony told him everything in his drunken state, Tobias Fornell knew the reason why. And he also knew he had to do something for the young man sitting on the couch before it would be too late._

_/_

_When he got to work two days after, he knew something was about to happen. And he was right. Leon Vance, who was now, officially, the new Director, gave his first order and split the team apart. _

_/_

He was reassigned as Agent Afloat. First on the USS Ronald Reagan, and then on the Seahawk. One bad decision caused him to lose the only family he had for the last twelve years. Even though, the sense of a family was lost a long time ago.

He was alone again.

Since Gibbs barely spoke to him since he found out about his undercover assignment, he collected his stuff from his desk in silence, and without a second glance, started walking away. Then, he heard a voice. And a promise.

''You all are my team. We will be back together again.''

He turned around and looked at Gibbs. And felt hope rising in his heart.

The rest of his day Tony spend packing and paying the bills for at least six months ahead, not knowing when he would be back. He didn't know what to do, where to go. Part of him wanted to quit. Quit and leave. But the other part knew this was his punishment. It was his fault Jenny was dead. Gibbs' words still ringed in his mind and the anger he felt toward Vance and himself, subdued for a bit.

Yes, Gibbs will get him back. He just had to believe in that.

Suddenly, he heard a knock on his door and frowned. He wasn't expecting any company, and after receiving the news about his departure, wasn't in the mood for one. Sighing, he opened the door and his eyes went wide.

''Pizza and a six-pack.'' The man said and entered after Tony took a step back, letting him in.

''Comfort food, Fornell?'' Tony snickered.

''Looks like you need it.''

''Thanks. Have a seat. Let me get the stuff we need.''

They ate in silence, only the sound of Jazz music playing silently in the background. When they were done, Tony threw the boxes in the trash and returned to the living room. He was nursing the beer in his hand, then spoke after a minute.

''Thank you.''

''You're welcome. So, how are you holding up?'' Fornell asked, looking at the young agent sitting next to him.

''I don't know. Angry, disappointed, sad, uncertain, confused. Take your pick.'' Tony sighed.

''Everything will work out. You just have to believe in that.''

''I will try. It is the least what I deserve. He should've fired me.'' Tony said knowing Fornell would know of whom he was talking about.

''He knows how good of an agent you are and I don't want to hear you saying otherwise. You need to be somewhere to clear your head, Tony. Vance knows that. It is not your fault Jenny was killed. It was her choice. Her mess from her past. She would've find a way to escape you. You were following orders.''

''It doesn't change the fact she is dead.'' Tony snapped.

''Look, I know how stubborn you can be and no matter what I say you won't believe it, so why don't you go to bed and sleep it over. I will take the couch and drive you tomorrow. And just because it is you, you will get there in style. In a FBI chopper. You have to be on USS Reagan by ten, right?''

''How do you know that?'' Tony asked, surprised, after he rolled his eyes hearing how he would travel.

''I'm a Federal Agent, DiNutso.'' Fornell smirked, deliberately misspeaking Tony's last name, causing Tony to relax and roll his eyes. Again. ''I know everything.''

''Sure you do.'' Tony smirked back. ''Let me get you a pillow and a blanket.'' After sizing the man in front of him, he added. ''I think I even have a pajama that would fit you.''

''You own a pajama?'' Fornell asked jokingly and his eyes went wide as if he was in shock.

''Yes. For guests like you. I sleep naked.'' Tony answered with a smile and wiggling his eyebrows.

''Didn't need to know that.'' Fornell scoffed and Tony laughed.

The friendly banter and Tony's laugh was a surprise for both men, and the older agent realized how much he missed to hear that sound.

/

''Be careful out there.'' Fornell said, as they were standing on the dock.

''I will. I promise.'' Tony said, touched hearing the concern in Fornell's voice.

He couldn't help but look around, hoping to see one person he needed to see the most. The person who he hoped would come and see him before he left. When the realization that the silver-haired man with blue eyes decided not to come finally settled in, his eyes filled with tears, and Fornell's heart broke when he noticed the pain in Tony's green eyes.

''It's his loss.'' Fornell said firmly and pulled the young man into his embrace. ''Emily will expect postcards and presents from her _'big brother'_.''

''And she shall receive them.'' Tony chocked out. ''Give her a big kiss from me.'' And with that, he took his bag and walked toward the ship that will be his home for the next few months.

''I'm sorry, Tony. But this is for your own good.'' Tobias Fornell whispered as he watched the man who became a part of his family, son he never had, walk away.

_Tobias Fornell left his most precious thing, his daughter Emily, in the hands of the young agent, knowing she would be safe. When he started the car he sighed and dialed the number._

_''It's me. I need to see you right now. It is a matter of importance. Can I come to your home?''_

_''All right. You're always welcome here.'' The man on the other line said and ended the call._

_/_

_Tobias knocked and smiled at the woman who opened the door. ''Jackie.'' He greeted._

_''Tobias.'' Jackie smiled too and let him in. ''Leon is in his study. You know the way. Coffee will be there in a few moments.''_

_''Thank you.'' _

_''Tobias.'' Leon Vance stood up and extended his hand to the newcomer who took it and they shake._

_''Leon, I need a favor to ask of you. As a friend and as a college. It's about DiNozzo.'' Tobias said, getting straight to the point._

_''I know.'' Leon sighed, then looked at the older man questionably. ''Since you came here, I have a feeling something is wrong.''_

_''Yes. You know how I feel about him. He is like a son to me. He is one of the best agent I ever met and Emily adores him. True, we had our differences in the past, but... Yesterday I saw him drinking like there was no tomorrow and it frightened me. He is worn out. And it is not only because of Jenny. You have to send him away from here. At least for the time being. He has to clear his head. Otherwise... I'm afraid he will snap. Big time.''_

_Leon quietly listened then sighed when Tobias finished ''I know. I saw it in his eyes when we processed the bar where Jenny was killed. Saw that look a few times. I know everything what has been going on here. SecNav told me to come in D.C. months ago and observe from the distance. He wanted to fire Jenny as soon as he found out she was using DiNozzo for her own revenge, but...''_

_''But he wanted Renee Benoit more. You don't have to tell me that. I'm well aware of that.'' Tobias interrupted him. ''So, if you know everything, what will you do about it?''_

_''I can offer him his own team.'' Leon suggested._

_''He won't accept it. He turned down Rota when Jenny offered it to him.'' Tobias shook his head._

_''So, what do you think I should do then?''_

_''There is an opening as an Agent Afloat on USS Ronald Reagan and Seahawk. It will be good for him. He will be away from Gibbs and the rest of them. And maybe, just maybe, if he is away from them, they will open their eyes and see what they lost. Like I said, it is not just Jenny.'' Tobias said, a bit harshly that didn't surprise Leon one bit. They had similar conversations a few times before._

_''Do you really think that is a good idea, Tobias?'' Jackie asked, entering with the tray in her hands and putting it on the desk. ''They are a family. Separating them like that...''_

_''They haven't been a family for a long time, Jackie. Have you forgotten the way they treated him? He needs to get away from them. Especially from Gibbs.'' Tobias snapped, then looked at Jackie apologetically. ''I'm sorry.''_

_''It's okay.'' Jackie waved her hand. ''What happened last night?''_

_''I can't tell you what he told me in confidence, but you have to take my word for this. He needs to get away.'' Tobias answered._

_''Okay. I will do it. I just hope it is the right thing to do and that we're not making a mistake.'' Leon agreed, then added. ''This will sound a bit calculated but... we may have a mole in the NCIS. It is already down on three possible persons. They will become Gibbs' new team. Maybe he will find out who.''_

_''Not calculated one bit.'' Tobias snickered, and Jackie rolled her eyes._

/

He was back. Back as part of the team. Strangely, he felt nothing. He was numb. To everything. He DID feel relief when Gibbs told him to pack his things, that he was no longer Agent Afloat, but that was about it. He pushed all his feelings away. The love he still, unfortunately, felt for Gibbs, the anger, resentment, the pain, the hurt... He was good in that department. He felt nothing...He WAS nothing. After all, throughout all his life he had been told that. With words, with actions. He tried not to believe in that, but sometimes, sometimes it was hard not to.

Truth to be told, those six months away from everything and everyone, especially Gibbs and the rest of his team, did help in some way. It cleared his head. He no longer felt responsible for Jenny's death. Well, one small part still did, but...it was a start.

He no longer felt he would break. That night, when Fornell found him, was the last time he had that amount of alcohol in his system, and he didn't want to repeat that. Ever again. Alcohol never helped and he would rather eat a bullet from his own gun than end up like his father.

He was calmer, professional, quiet. He lived in his own world of illusion, without feelings. In solitude. Part of him was surprised that none of his teammates thought it was strange for him to behave like that, but then again, no one truly saw him. The real him. No one saw through his fake smile. No one cared. As long as he was on time and did his job. And that was fine with him. At least, that was what he was trying to convince himself.

It worked. For a while. Then everything started crashing down. He started cracking. But this time, he was powerless to do anything. It became harder and harder pushing everything back. Pushing his feelings away. His world, his false illusion, slowly started to disappear. Like a rainbow.

* * *

**A****/N** So, this is it for the first chapter. Hope you liked it and please review.

The crossover parts won't be in the picture until chapter four. I think. First the NCIS LA then Hawaii Five-O. There will be more hurt and angry Tony though, his sufferings aren't over yet. I will return to the parts with Tony/Emily and Tony as Agent Afloat as flashbacks. One other thing that is different from the series is that Leon Vance was in D.C. longer and he knows everything. He was aware he would replace Jenny as a Director and he and Fornell are good friends. Hope you don't mind. One question: how old should I make Emily?


	2. Chapter 2

Title: WHEN A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS  
Type: Multipart Fic / slightly crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O  
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs  
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance, Friendship, Family  
Rating: M  
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH

DISCLAIMER: Don't own NCIS or Hawaii Five-O, but I do own my OC's

**A****/N** Some spoilers to various episodes. Mostly the beginning of season 5. The time frame is different though. For the sake of the story, the episodes are mixed, they don't go by the order as the show. Tony works for Gibbs for twelve years, Kate has been dead for ten. Some other differences as well. (Such as Kate dying in November and her buried in D.C.) Mentioning of Tony/Kate.

I was genuinely surprised by how well this story was received. So, thank you, everyone who put it on their alert and favorite. Especially to those who reviewed. It means a lot and it's greatly appreciated. I hope this chapter won't disappoint you.

* * *

**Chapter 2**

It was strange how the past had the tendency to catch up to you. And kick you when you're down. He was back in D.C. for over a month now, and the first two weeks were relatively fine. He was feeling fine. Those six months away gave him new perspective, a new look at things. Even though he was hurt. But he dealt with that emotion the way he always did. He pushed everything down. Refused to dwell on it. Buried himself in work.

He talked with Gibbs only a couple of times while he was away, and it was always about work. Professional and cold. However, sometimes he thought he saw a flick of emotions in Gibbs' blue eyes, but it was probably his own wishful thinking. He got more calls from Fornell and Emily. And Abby, via emails. Even Vance. Asking how he was. Okay, he was aware they couldn't talk privately with everyone listening, but... A word of encouragement or that he was missed...was he asking too much? Then he realized. They didn't want him back. They didn't need him. They weren't a family. And it hurt. Gibbs' last words, his promise, held no weight. Not anymore.

The first two months he held tight on them, like a drowning man to a straw, but as days, weeks, months passed, he knew. He recognized them as they were. An empty promise. McGee was the first one who returned back to the team. Then Ziva. But him? He stayed on the ship for additional three and a half months. And it hurt. He felt abandoned and alone again. Betrayed by the only family he knew for years.

He was surprised when he was called to the communication room and saw Vance on the screen. Three days after they sailed from the port. He tried to hide his shock, but judging by the slight smirk on the Director's face, he was certain he didn't do it well. They talked about how he was adjusting and about his health. Vance even gave him some pointers about how to deal with stubborn sailors. Good advices, as he learned later. And those calls were frequent. Once a week. By the fourth call, he was already used to them.

Most people would took his new post as an Agent Afloat as a promotion, but for him, it was a penance, a punishment for letting Jenny be killed. Even among 5000 sailors on the ship, he felt all alone. When he confessed that to Vance, he was surprised the Director categorically denied it. When he asked why he send away like he was, Vance told him he needed it. He needed to get away. From everything and everyone. And part of him understood. He _was_ worn out. He was surprised Vance recognized it as well. Recognized the signs.

Seeing Fornell and Emily on that screen was like a balm to a wound. When they docked the first time, he got out and bought post cards and a new laptop so he could talk privately with them on Skype. Every time Emily would call him _'big brother'_ brought tears to his eyes. He felt wanted. He felt loved. He was a part of their family. Maybe there was hope for him yet.

/

The beginning of November brought him back into his melancholy state. Like it did every year. He wasn't surprised no one noticed the pattern. But, they forgot about her a long time ago. It was the first place he visited since he came back. Then he spend the weekend with Fornell and Emily who welcomed him with open arms. Every day, before coming to work, he would get up early and went to the one place where he could be himself. Where he could talk to the one person he was certain was listening. Even though she could no longer talk back. He would put one white lily flower, her favorite one, on the marble grave and spoke what ever was on him mind. Or he would be silent, caressing the letters on the gravestone.

_Caitlin Todd_

He still felt guilt because it was her who was dead. It should've been him. He had no one, she had a family. He was dark, she was light. He knew that that guilt would never go away. True, they bickered all the time, but it was harmless. They had a rocky start but with time he lowered his guard and let her see him. The real him. And he never regretted it.

_It was after a one bad case they had. A woman raped and murdered in her own house. When they got to the crime scene, it was awful. Never before had they seen that much hate. She was cuffed to the bed posts, legs and arms stretched and wide open, beaten and stabbed multiple times. Tony couldn't wait for Ducky to cover her up. They worked in silence, taking pictures and looking for clues. When they finally found the murderer, her lover, they found out he killed her because she wouldn't leave her husband for him. The amount of drugs in his system didn't help._

_Tony was on his way to be really drunk when Kate found him and she took him home. It was the first time he cried in front of someone. He told her how it reminded him of his mother's death. Kate held him in her arms and whispered calm words in his ear. No one but her knew the real story of his life, and he felt relief he could talk to someone. She was horrified when she found out, but after that night, she was always there for him when he needed her. And he was there when she needed him. True, Gibbs knew a lot, but not everything. He was certain he wouldn't be able to take the pity in the blue eyes of the man he cared for, his friend, his mentor. Because if Gibbs knew of the horrors of his childhood, the pity would certainly be there. And he couldn't take that risk._

_The first, and only, kiss they shared surprised both of them. They didn't know how it happened. One moment they were looking at each other, the next, their lips collided. There was no passion, no chemistry. Mostly curiosity. After that, they decided never to speak of it. They loved and cared about each other, but it was more like a brother - sister relationship. And they were fine with that. She was the only one he confessed how his feelings for Gibbs started to change._

_It was around the time when they were working on the Wuss case. When he realized he kissed a guy instead of a woman. The moment he learned who Amanda truly was, he wiped his lips in disgust. He kissed a guy. And he couldn't help the thought that he somehow cheated on Gibbs. That the only male lips he wanted to taste were Gibbs'. _

_He was confused and angry with himself and everyone else. Kate's jokes when they finished the reports didn't help. He came to her that night to talk, to try to understand, and the only thing she said was that she saw the signs. Saw the way he sometimes looked at Gibbs, saw how he always tried to please him. He didn't even realize he was doing that. Since he didn't want to lose the job, lose the respect, lose the family he created, he decided not to do anything. He decided to push away that feeling away._

''Ten years, Kate. Ten years and I still miss you.'' He said to the grave, tears in his eyes.

/

On his way to work, he stopped for a coffee when he realized where he was. Not far from the coffee shop was Jeanne's house. On a whim, he decided he would go and see her. They hadn't talked since he told her the truth about who he really was, that he was just using her to get close to her father, and then everything happened with Jenny and he had to leave. Rene Benoit was still out there, somewhere. He felt relief when he found the house empty. She was gone. All of her stuff was gone. The only thing that was left behind was a note. For him.

Yes, the past had a tendency to catch up to you. The note she left for him haunted him for two whole days. When he got to work, dealing with the cold cases, the note was in his pocket. It felt like a brick of stone around his ankle, pulling him down. No one noticed his distress. But, that was only because his face gave nothing away. He buried himself in work, looking for clues, eyes glued to the computer screen. Sure, he noticed and felt eyes on him, but he didn't care. They weren't family, they didn't need to know. Didn't deserve to know.

Emotions he tried to push away, tried to hide, fought back. He started wondering when he would he finally snap. He missed Kate. He needed someone he could talk to. Gibbs was out of question, even if he knew some of his deepest thoughts. But the betrayal, the anger, the hurt he felt at this moment toward the silver-haired man, was stronger. Stronger than love. He didn't want to bother Fornell with his demons.

He only had to wait until next year. Everything would be alright when this painful, for him, time of year passed. Little did he know it would only get worse.

It seemed like every case they had was designed to break him. Bit by bit.

* * *

**A****/N** Okay, I've decided to stop here, and give you something for this week. I can't help but think that this chapter isn't on the same page like the first one. Don't know why, but it's just the feeling I have. _*confused look*_

Anyway, the next chapter will show what cases were breaking our poor Tony. In the meantime, I'd like to hear from you, hear your thoughts, so please, review.

Thank you for reading :)


	3. Chapter 3

Title: **WHEN A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS  
**Type: Multipart Fic / slightly crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O  
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs  
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance, Friendship, Family  
Rating: M  
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH

**DISCLAIMER**: Don't own NCIS or Hawaii Five-O, but I do own my OC's

**A/N** Spoilers to some episodes: 05x02 Family, 05x03 Ex-File, 05x06 Chimera, 02x22 SWAK, 08x07 Broken Arrow. For the sake of the story, the episodes are mixed, they don't go by the order as the show, but as I've listed them. Tony works for Gibbs for twelve years, Kate has been dead for ten.

Enjoy, it's a long one!

**WARNING**: SLASH

* * *

**Chapter 3**

Tony silently walked into the bullpen, noticing he was the first one to arrive. Well, second, since Gibbs' computer was turned on, but there was no sign of him. _'Probably went for his coffee.'_ He thought gloomily. After powering his own computer, he just sat there, looking at nothing, then he pulled the note he found in Jeanne's house and just stared at it. Memories, regrets, and buried feelings twirled inside him.

In an instant, everything came back to him. All the lies he had said. Even though Jenny understood how he felt, seeing how hard it was for him that Gibbs had left and the way his teammates treated him with disrespect, not trusting in his leadership, sometimes he hated her for putting him in that position.

He remembered how, one night, when he was all alone in the bullpen, doing his own, McGee's and Ziva's paperwork, practically dead on his feet, Jenny sat next to him and he confessed everything. He told her about him and Gibbs being together. He confessed how betrayed and hurt he was feeling with Gibbs' leaving. How angry, sad, lonely and tired he was feeling because of his teammates attitude toward him. He had to tell someone, take a load of his heart. She was a good listener, even though she was surprised. No, she was shocked.

He couldn't suppress the tears, and when she noticed that, she hugged him and told him that her door was always open for him whenever he needed to talk.

Was it because of that strange connection he accepted the assignment she offered to him? Because he felt he owed it to her for being there for him? An assignment that produced nothing but pain for everyone?

A liar.

He had to seduce Jeanne and make her fall for him. And because he was good in his undercover, she did. He tried to love her, tried to look at her as someone who could fill the emptiness in him, but... It never happened. So he kept lying. To both her and his team.

_I'm not coming back. You have to choose._

Yes, he was good in undercover assignments, he was good playing the part of someone else. But, hurting her... it felt wrong somehow. She was an innocent. And he was a liar and a bastard. He tried to separate Tony DiNozzo and Tony DiNardo, but sometimes, sometimes it was hard to find the line between them. He needed guidance. He needed Gibbs. But he wasn't there. He was left alone. He was left by a man he trusted the most. And it hurt. He felt betrayed.

/

A couple of minutes later he noticed the arrival of Ziva an McGee and murmured a 'Good morning' to them. It didn't feel good. He was tired, angry, sad... Like every day, he visited Kate's grave before coming to work and noticed how the date of her death was coming closer. Ten years. But to him, it was as if it happened yesterday. He looked around. None one of them seemed to remember. They carried on with their lives. He was the only one stuck in the past.

Loosing himself in the memories of a happier time once again, he didn't notice the worried looks thrown his way from his teammates or the hard grip Gibbs had on his cup.

If he had only looked up toward Gibbs, he would've seen how those piercing blue eyes mirrored his own. He would've seen deep sadness and despair. He would've know that he wasn't the only one hurting in silence.

/

Tony sat there, by the lit fireplace, trying to get warm and stop shivering. Trying not to cough. In his hand was the note, the last letter from Jeanne, her last words, making him choose. Lifting his head, he looked around and couldn't help the irony of what he saw. In one corner, on his right, was a married couple who just got their baby back. It represented the possible future he could have had with Jeanne. And in the other corner was his team. Gibbs, Ziva, McGee.

_Gibbs. _

For a moment he felt he didn't belong in there. He felt like an outcast. He felt rejected. Just like he felt when he found out he was the only one who wasn't invited to Ziva's party. The physical pain from the wound in his arm was nothing compared to the emotional pain he felt in that moment. The fact that Gibbs didn't even question his absence... the fact that he, the man who knew him better than anyone, failed to see the hurt in his eyes...

They would be just fine without him. They didn't need him. _He_ didn't need him.

Pain surged through him clenching his broken heart like an iron fist, and he forced back the tears that threatened. No, he couldn't fall apart now. Not when everyone was here. He would break in the comfort of his lonely apartment, all alone. He was sure of that. The 'DiNozzo's don't cry' mantra was long forgotten. But then again, he was never a good DiNozzo. He lost count of how many times he had broken down and cried his eyes out.

Once again he looked at the happy family on his right and frowned. No, he would never have that. He was destined to be forever alone. Or, in the gutter, like his father once said. Then he felt eyes on him and his head turned toward the source. Gibbs. His blue, piercing, steely eyes that looked at him in a way as if he was trying to get into his soul, somehow managed to warm his heart. Hope started to form and without a second thought Tony threw the letter into the fire, watching it burn.

In reality, he already made his choice. A long time ago. He chose Gibbs. He would always choose Gibbs. No matter what. He knew he was trying to love someone else, but in the end, his heart would always belong to the man with silver hair and piercing blue eyes.

He felt hurt when Gibbs wasn't even worried when he was all wet, thanks to the security sprinkles in the yard of the house where they were looking for clues for the missing baby. And it was cold outside. Everyone knew about his scarred lungs and how being wet outside in that weather could be harmful for him, but no one cared. However, he pushed the resentment away. He desperately wanted to hold on to that small spark of hope in his heart. Hope that maybe, just maybe, Gibbs could love him back.

/

Then there was a case where Gibbs' old lover, Colonel Hollis Mann, was in the middle of it. He saw there was still a spark between them. The jealousy he felt almost overwhelmed him, but he pushed that feeling away as well. He had no right over Gibbs. Even if they were occasionally sleeping together. He suspected that their secret trysts, for Gibbs, was just physical, but for him... He loved him. More than anyone. More than anything. He tried to show him how he felt with every touch, with every kiss, but never voiced his feelings out. Why should he? They had sex after a hard case, needing to be lost in the pleasure. Needing to forget. Part of him understood, but with each time, his heart broke, piece by piece.

He wondered when it started to be just sex. Because, a long time ago, he was certain of that, he felt loved.

Truth was, their last tryst was two days before Gibbs got blown up and lost his memory. After that, Gibbs left for Mexico, returning after four months. Then Jenny was killed and he was send to be Agent Afloat for six months.

_'Oh, God.'_ Tony thought in shock. _'I haven't had sex for almost a year.'_ Well, if you forget stroking himself with his own hand every night, thinking of his lover and screaming Gibbs' name when the release finally came.

/

He wasn't that surprised no one noticed how quiet and formal he became. He learned a long time ago he was nothing. That he meant nothing. It was drilled into his mind since he was just a little boy. No one cared. Not about him, not about his feelings. He was here only to do his job. And nothing more. They weren't friends. They weren't a family. And it hurt. Each night before he went to sleep, sometimes plagued with nightmares, he asked himself would tomorrow be the day when he finally had enough. How much betrayals and hurt could he take?

/

He almost broke down when they were doing a case that led them on aboard USNS Chimera, a top-secret naval research ship that was sailing in the middle of the ocean. He had a bad feeling when they boarded the ship finding it abandoned. He had to push down the sudden anger when McGee and Ziva started making fun of his fear of rats. Couldn't they understand his point of view? In an instant, memories of how he almost died from the plague assaulted his mind. The fight to breathe... something everyone took for granted. He couldn't... he wouldn't, go through that again.

His fear doubled when Ducky told them that Takada died from viral hemorrhagic fever and that they have been exposed to it. That if his diagnosis was correct, they would be dead by morning. And then he just had to do something stupid. With Abby's help, via the link, he was doing the blood analysis and he sniffed the drop of blood and liquid he had put on a slide, just before Abby told him not to. One would've thought that after the SWAK episode when he inhaled the y-pestis powder, he would've been careful with unknown things, since he almost died that time, but then again, he _was_ Tony DiNozzo. He was always curious, even as a kid. And there is that old saying that was made for him: _'curiosity killed the cat'_.

But, even though, now, he was scared as hell, he couldn't help but remember that day, ten years ago. The day he saw Gibbs' cock for the first time. The day when they first kissed. The day they did more than kiss. He couldn't help but remember how his own body reacted.

_They were taking their showers as a part of bio-attack procedure, throwing ideas what the white powder could be. Hoping it could be something innocent, and not all those diseases McGee numbered, Tony stated it could be Honey Dust, something that he liked to give to girls at Christmas time. The fact he send it to Gibbs a year before, he hoped would remain a secret. His own dirty secret. Unfortunately, as it turned out, that wasn't his day, because Gibbs revealed that he knew about Honey Dust since he received the whole box last Christmas, but without a card. Knowing Kate would know it was a deliberate move on his part (she teased him when they were in Bethesta hospital when they were left alone for the night), he stated it was probably the post's office screw up, hoping Gibbs would buy it. Since the ex-Marine didn't comment, Tony let out a breath he was holding. Crisis averted._

_Tony heard two showers shutting down on his left side, and instantly knew Gibbs and him were alone. Curious, and a little aroused by the fact Gibbs was naked, with only a wall separating them, he tiptoed and peaked. He was impressed and couldn't stop the shiver that ran through him seeing Gibbs' lean, firm and muscular body. For a man in his forties, Gibbs was in a great shape. He couldn't understand why he chose to hide it underneath those baggy clothes. Thankfully, the ex-Marine had his back turned so he couldn't see him ogling. He didn't even realize when his hand went down and started stroking his hard and aroused cock. His eyes darkened with lust and his breath caught when Gibbs slightly moved, giving him an excellent view of his member. There was no way in hell he could look away from that beautiful sight. Even if he lost his job over this if Gibbs realized and looked toward him, it would be worth it. His hand tightened as he stroked himself harder, eyes glued on the man in front of him. The next second he gave a startled yelp hearing a voice._

_''See something you like?''_

_/_

_Being a Marine for years, Gibbs had developed a sense to know when he was being watched. Usually, it send cold shivers down his spine, but this time, he felt warmth. Since he heard two showers shutting down he knew it was Tony who was left alone with him. Part of him hoped the young man would make a move, because frankly, he was tired of the not so hidden looks, although he suspected Tony thought so. Deciding to give him an opportunity, he slightly turned around, giving Tony a perfect view. As he continued soaping his body, he kept his eyes partly closed, and noticed the lust in the green eyes he loved since the moment they met in Baltimore._

_He got instantly hard noticing Tony's hand moving in a, oh so, familiar way. His lips quirked up in a small smirk and he had to bite his tongue seeing a startled 'dear in the headlights' look when he asked a question that broke Tony's connection. Realizing it was now or never, because he was certain that if he didn't do anything he would be looking at a resignation letter in close future, he added._

_''Come here.''_

_Tony hesitated only for a short moment, then he walked and stood in front of Gibbs. Feeling suddenly bold, he put his hands on Gibbs' shoulders, and looked into his eyes. He felt himself blushing when Gibbs's eyes started traveling up and down his body, and when a smirk appeared on his lips. When their eyes connected again, they moved toward each other at the same time and their lips met for the first time._

_Sweet, warm, hard and passionate...all in the same moment._

_Pure heaven._

_Their tongues twirled, dancing their own dance. Gibbs wrapped his arms around Tony's waist and Tony tightened his hold on Gibbs' shoulders. When they had to, because of the lack of the air, break the kiss, Gibbs continued kissing down Tony's jaw, who leaned his head backwards, giving him access on the neck, moaning silently all the time. _

_''Touch me, Jethro. Please.''_

_Their lips met for the second time while their hands started stroking each other. All too soon, the release came. They finished the shower together, when the reality of what awaited them outside came rushing back into their minds. _

_/_

_Two days later, Tony was just about to quit his struggle to breathe and just give up, when a familiar coffee and sawdust smell reached his nostrils, and he opened his eyes, and saw the man he loved leaning over him._

_''You will NOT die, DiNozzo! You hear me? You will NOT die!'' Gibbs ordered in his ear._

_''Why not?'' Tony rasped. ''I can't... Have no strength left, Boss.''_

_''Yes you do. I know you do, Tony. You know why? We started something and I want to finish it. So find that strength. I know you can do it.'' Gibbs whispered and locked his eyes with Tony's._

_Tony couldn't break the intense eye contact and his lips formed a small smile while his hand searched Gibbs'. Their fingers intertwined and he felt a strong squeeze._

_''Jethro...'' He started to say something, but didn't know what exactly, when he felt warm lips on his._

_Tony returned the kiss, pouring everything he felt in it, hoping Gibbs would know what he was saying without words. What started as a light kiss, soon turned into a heated one, but all too soon he had to break it because of a cough._

_''I'm not letting you go, Tony. Not now, not ever.'' Gibbs said and with a last squeeze of his hand, left the isolation room. _

Returning to reality, his heart filled with dread. He wasn't afraid of death. Hell, he knew he would die someday, but he was hoping it would be in the line of the duty, not because of some bio weapon. In his paranoia, he started talking about everything and nothing, trying to cover his fear, and he felt like he had been stabbed when Gibbs basically told him to shut up. He was terrified, how could Gibbs not understand that? Even McGee, who was there at that time, failed to understand. He couldn't go through the plague all over again. Fighting to breathe...

He needed to get away from here...away from Gibbs. Hurt, anger, despair, disappointment, fear washed over him like an avalanche, and he found himself clenching his fists so hard that his nails managed to draw blood. He kept his mouth firmly shut, praying that Gibbs wouldn't say anything, because he was certain that if the ex-Marine said only one word, he would've scream. Without a word, he practically ran away. His vision blurred and he angrily wiped the tears. Finding an empty room on the abandoned ship wasn't hard to do and he spend there half an hour trying to calm himself down so that he at least looked normal, even though he was boiling inside.

For the next couple of hours, he was silent, fighting his own fears and hiding his hurt, keeping his distance from everyone. When they made their escape, thankfully not dying, leaving the pirates on the ship, who came for the nuclear warhead, while they took off with their boat, he kept his eyes focused on the sea, refusing to make any form of contact with the rest of them. As soon as they reached the shore, he jumped out without waiting for anyone else and started walking away.

''DiNozzo!'' Gibbs yelled after him, and he could hear shock and confusion in his voice, but for the first time, he didn't care.

''Leave me the hell alone!'' He snapped, not stopping and not turning around.

If he did, he would've seen the shock written on their faces.

He finally had enough. What started as a small crack, turned into a rift. A hole that turned into abyss.

He was loosing his fight with everything that he had buried inside, and he knew... it was only a matter of time.

And he cared less.

/

Finally, a couple of days and cold cases later, the day when he finally lost it, arrived. A case where his own father was involved. He hadn't seen the man for more than twenty years and if it was up to him he would be glad to see him on his deathbed. Anthony DiNozzo Senior just had to pick _that_ day to arrive.

Clothed in a black suit, black shirt and a black tie, he walked into the bullpen almost an hour late, and without a word sat on his chair. He did that on purpose, craving for a fight.

''You're late, DiNozzo.'' Gibbs commented, looking at the pale man.

''So take it off my pay.'' Tony spat, glad to hear shocked gasps from both Ziva and McGee.

''Is there a problem I'm not aware of, Special Agent DiNozzo?'' Gibbs asked, narrowing his eyes in a dangerous way.

''No. No problem at all. Everything is peachy. Special Agent Gibbs.'' Tony answered, almost snarling the last part.

Gibbs stood up and walked toward his SFA, then leaned over his desk, forcing Tony to look up. He was shocked to see a challenging anger in the green eyes.

McGee and Ziva didn't dare to even say a word, shocked with Tony's words and attitude.

''Something you want, _boss_? If not, I would like to return to work.''

''While you work for me, DiNozzo, I demand respect from you. Do I make myself clear?''

Tony actually snorted at that, then replied, almost sweetly. ''I work for the Director of the NCIS, as well as you. You may be my _boss_ in this team, but I work _with _you, not _for _you. However, if you want my letter of resignation, I can print it out for you this instant.''

Not able to hide his shock that Tony already had his letter of resignation written, and suddenly afraid that if he pushed too hard, Tony would actually pack his things and leave, Gibbs took a deep breath to calm himself.

''I don't want your damn letter of resignation! What I want is to know what the hell is wrong with you!''

''Nothing is wrong. I'm fine.'' Tony answered calmly, clenching his fists underneath the table.

Seeing the familiar mask firmly on Tony's face, walls too high around him, and knowing that no matter what he said, he wouldn't find the answer, Gibbs stormed toward his desk, took his badge and gun, then left for his third cup of coffee. Ten minutes later, he walked into the autopsy.

/

''Jethro. What brings you here?'' Ducky asked.

''It's Tony. Something is wrong, and he won't say what.'' Gibbs answered angrily.

''Our Anthony has always been a closed person, you of all people should know that, Jethro.''

''I know that. What I don't know is what did I do to him to make him angry. He practically threatened to quit.'' Gibbs said, then after they were settled in Ducky's office, explained what happened.

After a long moment of silence, Ducky spoke, carefully choosing his words. ''It seems Anthony's anger is directed mostly at you, Jethro. I've noticed that a few days ago, when we came back from Chimera. I'm afraid that I should've, or better yet, we all should have treated things differently. Treated _him _differently that day. It didn't occur to me till later, but by then it was too late.''

''What do you mean?'' Gibbs asked in confusion.

''We were focused on the case, not thinking how the threat of death affected our Anthony.'' Ducky explained.

''It is a part of our job, Duck. When ever we go out, we know there's a possibility we could die.'' Gibbs frowned.

''Yes, I agree. But dying of something familiar, like a bullet or a knife, something that is treatable, is very much different from something like bio-hazard weapon, in which nothing is certain. I think that, when he thought he would die, Anthony reflected on the time when he was dying from the plague. He remembered the struggle to take a simple breath of air. Something we all take for granted.''

After a long moment, while Gibbs thought of what the ME said, he couldn't do nothing but agree. ''Dammit. I should've know. What in the world can I do now? He won't accept anything from me, and it is too late for an apology.'' He muttered.

''Jethro, may I ask you a personal question?'' Ducky asked, surprised that Gibbs, the man who never apologizes, actually consider that option. Seeing a nod from his friend, he continued. ''You and Anthony had always been close, ever since the moment you met. And your relationship grew stronger every day. You were his mentor, became his friend. I saw how he looks up to you, but mostly, how he looks at you. And how you, sometimes, look at him.''

''Is there an actual question, Duck?'' Gibbs asked, raising an eyebrow.

''I'm coming to that, my friend.'' Ducky smiled warmly. ''Like I said, I saw the looks. I realize how close you two are. And what confuses me is, they were nothing like a friend should look at another friend. The way you sometimes look at him is more like you look at a lover. Did something happen between the two of you?''

Gibbs sighed. He should've know that nothing passed by Ducky. ''Yes. The first time we kissed was when we were showering after he opened that damn letter. During the years, we occasionally slept together. Come to think of it, it was more frequent before. With time, it was always after a hard case. It's like we somehow lost that something that connected us. It became just sex, not love.''

''Are you in love with him?'' Ducky asked tentatively.

''Yes. I think I fell for him the moment I looked into his eyes.''

''And do you think he feels the same? That he loves you back?''

''I thought so, at the time. Now, I'm not so sure.'' Gibbs answered, troubled.

''I see. That would explain why Anthony directs all his anger toward you. When was the last time you two had that kind of contact? If you don't mind me asking.''

''Two days before I was blown up. That was the last time he came to my house.''

''That was ten months ago, Jethro.'' Ducky said surprised. ''Are you saying you haven't had any physical encounters all that time?''

''Yes, well, I lost my memories and left to Mexico, then he left for six months, thanks to Vance. I didn't want anyone else. It would've felt like cheating. And now I don't know where I stand with him.''

''And it's Anthony or no one, right?''

''Pretty much, yes. Duck, what am I gonna do?''

''You have to talk to him, Jethro. Talk about your feelings.'' Ducky answered, then chuckled, seeing a frown on Gibbs' face. ''Yes, I know that isn't your forte, but if you don't want to lose him, you have to.''

''Yes, I know.'' Gibbs said, then stood up, signaling the conversation was over. ''Thanks, Duck.''

''You are welcome, my friend. I'm always here for you. Your secret is safe with me.''

''I know.''

/

Unknown to Gibbs, or Tony, Ducky, Vance and Fornell formed a close friendship ever since Vance became the Director. All three of them had only one thought on their mind. The welfare of Tony DiNozzo. Ducky was the first person Leon Vance talked to about Tony, asking for his input as a professional psychiatrist and a close friend of the agent in question, after Fornell came to him, asking to send Tony away. He wanted to know if reassigning him as Agent Afloat would be good or bad for the young agent. Ducky agreed with Fornell, seeing how Tony started to distance himself from everyone, and especially his change after Jenny was killed.

That is why he was now heading toward Vance's office, troubled of the sudden anger in Tony. He suspected that there was more to it than what he told Jethro. However, the relationship between two agents will remain a secret. He wasn't going to say anything about what his friend confessed.

Ducky was surprised seeing Fornell with Vance, casually drinking coffee, but after a moment, he thought it was probably a good idea the FBI agent was there. Three heads were better than two.

''Dr. Mallard.'' Fornell and Vance greeted the newcomer at the same time.

''Gentlemen, I'm afraid I come baring bad news.'' Ducky said, accepting a cup of coffee from Vance.

''What's wrong?'' Vance asked, frowning.

''It is about young Anthony.'' Ducky answered, then told them what had been going on.

''Yes, I've noticed he became somewhat sad and distant. Even Emily got worried.'' Fornell said, after Ducky stopped talking. ''I just wish I had been there when he snapped at Gibbs. Threatening to quit.'' He added with a small chuckle.

''I don't think Jethro finds this situation amusing, Tobias. He is very worried.'' Ducky said in a serious tone.

''As well as he should be, Dr. Mallard.'' Fornell said, all trace of amusement vanishing from his face. ''It is his fault! If the functional mute just opened his mouth and talked to him, nothing of this would've happened! Instead he decided to hide in his basement, thinking everything would solve on its own. Newsflash. Relationships require conversations as well! Jethro is my friend too, and I told him that multiple times, but stubborn as he is, he doesn't listen.''

''Functional mute?'' Vance asked in amusement, with a raised eyebrow, then as the rest of what Fornell just said registered in his mind, added. ''Relationship? What do you mean relationship?''

''It's what Tony came up with a couple of years ago.'' Fornell answered, praying Vance would forget the other part that he revealed in his anger. However, he wasn't that lucky.

''Of course he did.'' Vance mumbled, then narrowed his eyes at the FBI agent. ''And the other part? Are you saying that Tony and Gibbs are romantically involved? If they are, how long has that been going on?''

"Ummm, can you forget I said that?'' Fornell asked, squirming on his seat.

That itself was answer enough for Vance, and he frowned, putting everything he knew until then into a new perspective. Eventually, he cleared his throat. ''If what you say is the truth, I have no problem with that. I'm no bigot. What someone does outside of work is their business. Since I haven't seen anything that affects work, I will leave it. Now, let's go back to the matter in hand. What to do with Agent DiNozzo?''

''I don't think there is anything we can do but pray there won't be any casualties.'' Ducky said. ''He is almost at his breaking point. The only thing we can do is watch closely, and when the time comes, try to pick up the pieces.''

''I was afraid you would say something like that.'' Vance said, and Fornell sighed, thinking of the two stubborn idiots, his friend and his surrogate son.

/

After the initial shock of seeing his father in front of him subdued, Tony couldn't stop gritting his teeth, but he refused to say anything and make a scene. He was at his work, after all. There would be plenty of time later to tell Senior to go to hell. In the meantime, the man was here and trying his best to charm his coworkers with his false smile. Every time he saw how Ziva, Abby and McGee laughed after his father told some imaginary story of Tony's childhood, his eyes hardened and he had to grid his teeth or clench his fists so that he didn't lash out. Tony couldn't believe how they couldn't tell that Anthony DiNozzo Senior was a false man, that every word he spoke was a lie. The only one who hasn't fallen under Senior's charm was Gibbs, but that was because he knew part of his hard childhood. But, Gibbs didn't say a word. He just kept quiet, allowing the farce to continue. And it hurt.

/

''Abby's lab. Ten minutes.'' Tony spoke suddenly, with a voice that held no emotions, and left the bullpen.

Ziva and McGee looked at Tony's back as he walked away then at Gibbs who shrugged his shoulders. Gibbs didn't want to show it, but he was worried for his SFA. For his love. Tony was quiet for days, hell, weeks, and he couldn't understand the reason why. Now that he knew the reason behind the anger, he thought of ways to make everything alright. Unfortunately, so far, he came up with nothing.

And there was also the screaming fact of his wardrobe. Dark suits. When ever Tony wore suits it meant something was bothering him. It was his way of showing he was hurt. But not only that. It also meant that the walls he surrounded himself were up. That the mask was on. If there was one thing he was certain about his SFA, after all the years they worked together, it was how to recognize his moods through the way Tony was dressed. Casual meant he was carefree, suits meant he closed himself off. From everyone. Even from him. But, what troubled Gibbs right now was the suits Tony wore for the last couple of weeks were all black. The shirt underneath wasn't white, like usual. No, It was either dark green, dark gray, dark blue or pure black. Like today.

And the silence. It was not normal. Silent Tony was not normal. It was unsettling. There was no joking, no quick remarks. Nothing. Both Ziva and McGee tried to talk to Tony, tried to provoke him, but nothing worked.

Gibbs' gut was churning and he didn't know what to do. How to help. What he did know was that it was all his fault. Fornell tried to tell him, but he didn't want to listen. He didn't want to deal with emotions.

Ten minutes later, Tony and Abby were met with three confused people. Abby, under Tony's request, shut down the security cameras so that they could have privacy Tony needed for this conversation. His whole body trembled with buried fury and anger and his, usually bright green eyes were now dark. He knew he was showing emotions he didn't want to be shown, but at that moment he didn't care.

''Officer David.'' Tony spoke in a hard tone, causing everyone to look at him in question, but he held his eyes on the woman in question. ''Who am I?''

''Excuse me?'' Ziva asked in confusion, then chuckled. ''You are Tony DiNozzo, or you changed your name recently?''

''Let me rephrase my question then, as it appears you don't understand. What am I to you? Here, at work.'' Tony asked, narrowing his eyes at the Israeli woman standing in front of him.

''You are a Senior Field Agent. What is wrong Tony?'' Ziva answered, still confused by both the question and the anger she could feel radiating from him.

''I'm also your superior when Gibbs is not around, Officer David, or have you forgotten that?'' Tony said.

''If this is about what happened, I assure you I had everything under a control. Your father was safe...'' Ziva tried to explain, but Tony cut her off.

''I don't give a shit whether that man who calls himself my father is safe or not. The murderer who killed my mother with his fists, who beet the crap out of me since I was four years old. As far as I'm concern he can rot ten feet under. What I do care is when I give an order, I expect you to follow without question. Do I make myself clear, Officer David? This is your last warning. I will no longer tolerate how you choose to disobey me. As a Mossad, you were taught the chain of command, weren't you? Next time you disobey a directive order, I will be forced to look for another partner. That also goes for you too, Agent McGee.'' He added, looking at the stunned young man standing next to Ziva. Looking back at Ziva, he saw how horrified she seemed. ''What's the matter, Ziva? You thought your family is the only one who has murderers?''

Tony heard the gasps when he revealed part of his childhood, and from the corner of his eye he also saw the shock and horror written on Abby's face, and how her eyes filled with tears. She wrapped her arms around herself when she started shaking.

For the first time in his life, Gibbs didn't know what to do or what to say. He was shocked as well as the others over what Tony just revealed about his father. He knew Tony had a hard time growing up, but murder? He also had a feeling that this wasn't only because Ziva disobeyed his order. If it were just because of that, he wouldn't have radiated so much anger as he was right now. Trying to calm the situation, he decided to be the mediator.

''DiNozzo has a point here, Ziva. When I'm not around, his order has the same value as mine.''

As expected, Both Ziva and McGee nodded in agreement, but what he didn't expect was a snort from Tony.

''Something you wanna say, DiNozzo?'' Although worried, he narrowed his eyes at Tony.

''Who? Me?'' Tony asked, fluttering his eyelashes dramatically.

''Yes. You. Stop fooling around and say what's on your mind. Here I am, backing you up and what you do? You snort.''

Any trace of humor Tony might have had up until that moment, disappeared in a matter of a second after hearing those words. The only thing that was left in him was anger. Anger that radiated from him in waves. Rage that overflowed his whole body. Overflowed his mind and heart.

''Fooling around, Gibbs?'' Tony snarled, as he suddenly found himself standing in front of the stunned ex-Marine. ''Fooling around? Is that what you think I've been doing for over a decade? You knew how I work before you begged me to come here and work for you! You begged me! Remember? Well, excuse me for not having a basement where I could go and hide from the rest of the world. Excuse me for choosing not to drown my emotions in Bourbon. Excuse me for trying to find some light in the world of dead Marines.''

''DiNozzo!'' Gibbs snapped as well. ''That's enough! If you're angry at me, let's work it out in the gym, not like this. You'll end up saying something you'll regret.''

''You don't want to fight with me right now, Gibbs.'' Tony warned through his clenched teeth. ''Not today!''

''And why is that? I'm a Marine, think I can handle you.'' Gibbs tried to ease the tension, but not very successfully.

Tony looked at Gibbs for a long moment, then answered, locking their eyes. ''Because one of us will end up dead. And that is a promise.'' Then he left, leaving four shocked people behind.

Seeing Tony leaving like that, broke something in Gibbs. Suddenly he had a feeling he had to do something before he lost Tony for good. Even if that meant talking about feelings and apologize. He didn't want to spend the rest of his life alone. It was true what he said to Ducky earlier. _'It was Tony or no one.'_

''Oh, no you don't, Tony. I'm not letting you go. Not now, not ever.'' He whispered, and ran after the man who held his heart.

* * *

**A/N** Oh boy, Tony finally snapped. And big time. However, it is far from over. One more confrontation and one more episode (what do you think which one is it? Hint: season five) until Tony leaves for good.

Anyway, I hope you liked this chapter.

Thank you for reading, and please review. :)


	4. Chapter 4

Title: WHEN A RAINBOW DISAPPEARS  
Type: Multipart Fic / slightly crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O  
Pairing: Tony/Gibbs  
Genre: Hurt/Comfort, Angst, Romance, Friendship, Family  
Rating: M  
Summary: He was strong, but even he couldn't take what was constantly thrown at him. Hurt beyond words, Tony finally had enough. Slight crossover with NCIS LA and HAWAII FIVE-O. WARNING: SLASH

DISCLAIMER Don't own NCIS or Hawaii Five-O, but I do own my OC's

**A****/**N Firstly, I'm so sorry for the delay. I had problems with this chapter for some reason. I wrote and re-wrote it a few times. I was literally floored with the response for the last chapter. Those who gave their guesses, you were right. Episode _'Requiem'_ is the final straw where Tony goes to Vance. But, first he had to let lose some steam.

The part in _'Leap of faith'_ with Abby and her job interview gave me an idea. Gibbs and Tony finally have their talk, or in this case, fight. So, there will be a tincy-wincy spoiler for 5x5 _'Leap of faith'_.

However, due to the length of what I wrote so far, I had to split it up in two chapters, so the actual fight will be in the next chapter and the _'Requiem'_ part in chapter 6. Bear in mind that those two episodes, in this story, happen after Jenny died, and that Vance is the Director.

I also have one more surprise for you. *evil grin*

Anyyyyyway, enjoy, it's a long one.

* * *

**Chapter 4**

Unfortunately for Gibbs, Tony was nowhere to be found. He checked the autopsy room, giving Ducky a small summary of what happened, causing the doctor rushing to the lab. After checking the bullpen, the men's room, the cafeteria, even the interrogation and conference rooms, he returned to his desk and sat down. Ever since he ran after Tony, he kept calling him, with no success. With every unanswered call, his temper rose, and his heart sank. The _'boss'_ part of him was angry with Tony for disobeying rule #3 _'Never be unreachable'_, but the emotional part of him understood. He saw the rage coming from him, hell, he felt it.

It was the first time, in all the years he knew him, that he saw Tony that angry, and it scared him. He couldn't understand where all that anger came from, couldn't understand how Tony was able to hide it. Tears clouded his vision and he fought not to let them down. He was also troubled of what he'd learned about Tony's past. True, he suspected he was neglected and abused as a child, and he hated Senior with all his heart, but learning he was capable of murdering his own wife...that was unacceptable. It boiled his blood. He was glad that that man was not in front of him in this moment because he was capable of murdering him for hurting Tony like that.

He didn't know how long he sat there, head in his hands, looking at the imaginary spot on his desk, when he felt someone in front of him and he lifted his head, looking at Ziva and McGee.

''Boss?'' McGee asked, not sure of what to do.

''Go home.'' Gibbs sighed. ''There is nothing you can do.''

''Yes, Boss.'' Both Ziva and McGee reluctantly agreed, recognizing an order in Gibbs' voice.

Gathering their belongings, they left the bullpen, casting a last glance toward their boss, who returned to his previous position. Waiting for Tony. Hoping the young man would at least come back to take his stuff. Either way, he would stay put for as long as needed.

/

Tony took the stairs, running as if the devil was after him. He paid no mind to the constant ring of his phone. Even without looking, he already knew who was calling him. Gibbs. But, for the first time, he didn't care. His feet took him to the roof, and he stood there, shivering underneath the cold rain that started to mix with his tears the moment he closed the door behind him. He wanted to scream, to hit something, but what he did was the opposite. Just like he always did. He pushed everything down and tried not to think of it. Not to think of anything. His hand gripped the rail so hard his knuckles started to become white. His teeth gritted against each other so hard he was afraid they would snap. If anyone would look at him at that moment, they would swear they were seeing a wounded animal.

It would be so easy just to step over and end it all. One step and all this pain would go away.

He wasn't even aware he was leaning over, when his phone started ringing again. In one angry move, he reached for it, wanting nothing more than to yell at Gibbs to leave him the hell alone, when he realized he got a text.

A text that probably saved his life.

/

When Gibbs told him what happened, Ducky rushed toward Abby's lab, afraid what he would find when he got there. He didn't even try to find Tony, knowing that if the young man didn't want to be found, no one, not even Gibbs would be successful.

One look at Abby told him everything he needed to know. She was clearly in distress, sitting on the floor, arms wrapped around her knees, rocking back and forth. Her mascara was all over her face, crying like it was the end of the world. And for the sensitive Goth, it might as well be. McGee held her in his arms, kneeling next to her, but Ziva seemed shell-shocked, standing not far.

''Calm down, my dear.'' Ducky spoke, his voice somewhat soothing the young girl.

''You don't know...Tony was so angry. He said... God, I can't even say it. I've never seen him like that. How can I calm down when he is hurt? And Gibbs went after him. They will fight and...'' Abby said in one breath.

''I know what happened, Abigail. Jethro told me. Now, take deep breaths, otherwise I will have to sedate you.'' Ducky said in a warning, but calm tone.

''If it's true what Tony said about Senior killing his mother, we have to do something.'' McGee said thoughtfully. He wasn't prepared for the punch in his stomach that threw him on the floor, landing on his butt.

''What do you mean 'if'? Tony would never lie about something like that!'' Abby screamed in anger. ''And don't you worry. When I'm finished with Senior, it would be like he never existed.'' She promised, with an evil glint in her eyes.

''Now, now, Abigail. You will do no such thing.'' Ducky tsked, then looked sharply in her eyes, planting his hands on her shoulders. ''Promise me.''

Abby had no other choice but to sigh and lower her eyes in acceptance. Ducky pointedly looked at the two agents, who gave their nods as well. In his mind, he already knew who would deal with Senior. He was troubled, hearing about yet another sad part of Tony's life. What he knew already, what he suspected, it wasn't easy. It was probably hell, but the young man pulled through. Ducky felt proud of Anthony, the man he grew up to be. After everything. Hell, he saw the faint scars on Tony's back, and as his medical proxy and doctor he had seen his medical chart, proving his suspicions. He hoped with all his heart Tony would pull through this ordeal, this bump on the road. Anthony, the man he cared about like a son, was strong. But, then again, scars on the heart, even though they were not visible, were harder to heal than the physical ones.

Certain that Abby would be fine, and sending Ziva and McGee upstairs, Ducky returned to the autopsy room, and closed the door of his office, not wanting anyone to hear as he dialed two numbers on his phone. A couple of rings later, Director Vance and Fornell appeared on the screen.

''Gentlemen, I'm afraid it has begun.'' Ducky spoke without preamble, knowing that they would know what he was referring to. Seeing their sorrowful expressions, he continued. ''There is more. We need to investigate Anthony DiNozzo Senior.''

''Oh? On what grounds?'' Vance asked, his eyebrow going up.

''Murder.'' Ducky answered, then told them what happened and what was revealed. ''What the young lad told me during all these years, and knowing what I know now, I suspect he saw the whole thing. Senior left them in the house for three days afterwards, and I believe Anthony never moved from his mother's side.''

''Oh my God! That's... I have no words.'' Fornell said, shocked to the core. ''I will deal with this personally. When I'm done, there will be no trace of him.'' He promised darkly, then asked in surprise when Ducky started chuckling. ''Something funny, doctor?''

''It's just, those are almost exactly the same words Abigail said not half an hour ago.'' Ducky answered, and Fornell just shook his head, a small smile appearing on his face.

''If there's anything you need...'' Director Vance said, still processing what he heard.

''I know.'' Fornell answered. ''Keep an eye on our boy, Ducky.''

''I will. No worries about that.'' Ducky smiled warmly.

There was nothing more to say. Ducky knew Fornell would move heaven and earth to put Senior where he belonged.

/

On his way from the office, Vance stood on the platform and looked down, to the section where MCRT was and saw Gibbs, sitting at his desk, waiting for Tony. Sighing, he returned back to his office, pulled a blanket and a pillow out of the closet then send a text to the man who managed to worm into his heart.

_Gibbs is waiting for you in the bullpen. If you don't want to go home, use my office for the night._

He was aware it was not much, but he hoped it would be enough, at least for a while.

/

It took only a couple of seconds to realize what he had almost done. Part of him was glad he got the text that stopped him, but one part, one small part felt sadness and disappointment. Because the pain he felt in his heart was back, being gone for only a small amount of time, and he wondered how much could he take. His walls were cracking, crashing around him. He was powerless to stop them.

The weather was getting worse by the moment. The rain and the cold wind were bad for him, especially when he wasn't wearing a winter coat, coat he left in his car. He knew it, but he didn't care. Maybe he should just take that step. It wasn't as if he would be missed.

A strong shiver that went through his whole body broke through his dazed state and he moved from the edge where he was standing. The moment of self-despise was over and he walked back into the building. His feet took him down into the Director's office. On his way, he cast a glance to the floor down and saw Gibbs sitting at his desk, deep in his thoughts.

Realizing he was wet and cold to the bone, he took a detour to the room, that was in the hall next to the bullpen, which they used as a closet. All agents that had a tendency to stay long hours stashed their spare clothes in there, in their lockers. Taking what he needed, his eyes fell down to the box he kept in there. A box that was almost full. During the last couple of years, he often looked through it, or just at it, and the content of what was inside somewhat made him feel better. Made him feel wanted.

Tony returned upstairs using the back stairs and closed the door behind him. A small smile appeared when he noticed a blanket and a pillow on the sofa. He used the bathroom to change into the dry clothes, took a glass of water and lay down. It was when his head connected with the pillow that he realized how tired and drained he felt. Physically, but mostly emotionally.

First, it was the significance of the day. Ten year anniversary of Kate's death which no one seemed to realize but him. Then his father showing unannounced that brought bad memories, then what happened in Abby's lab. He was glad he had somewhere to spend the night because he didn't want to see Senior ever again. Closing his eyes, he prayed for sleep without nightmares.

/

_''Today is the best day of my life, and all thanks to you, Jethro.'' Tony whispered drunkenly, nibbling his ear with his teeth._

_They were lying on a big bed in some hotel, their limbs tangled together, recovering from the mind blowing orgasm that happened only a couple of moments ago._

_The silver-haired man looked at his lover, love shining from his eyes and smiling brightly, even though he was as drunk as the man beside him. ''No, it is because of you, Tony. I can't believe I've done it again. But, it never, except Shannon, felt right.''_

_''I can't believe we did it as well.'' Tony chuckled. ''I just hope we'll remember it in the morning.''_

_''Me too. We're pretty drunk. But, in case we forgot, we have proof in my wallet.'' Gibbs replied, closing his eyes, slowly drifting to sleep._

Gibbs woke up with a start, not remembering in what moment he had fallen to sleep. His eyes went wide, not sure if that what he just dreamed of was just a dream, wishful thinking on his part, or a real memory. Truth was, ever since he was blown up and lost memories of half of his life, every once and a while, he got flashbacks, new memories resurfacing. He was fairly certain all his memories came back, though. He wasn't lying to Ducky earlier. He loved Tony, remembered their time together. He remembered how his heart stopped every time the young man would cough. He remembered every kiss, every touch...

A memory of Tony, lying on the hospital bed, under the blue light, coughing, struggling to breathe. His own feeling of hopelessness...

Brushing back that particular memory out of his mind, he stood up and walked to Tony's desk. His stuff was still in the drawer, which meant Tony was still on the base, somewhere. He contemplated what to do. Should he stay here or run home to check whether this dream was real or not? Glancing at the clock, he noticed it was five in the morning. It would took him about an hour to go home, check the safe in his basement, change clothes and return back here. Making up his mind, he took his wallet, badge and gun, then left.

He drove in his usual speed, and stepped through the door of his house half an hour later. Finding what he was looking for, a wooden box hidden in the floor, he searched through the papers that were there. When he found the document, he stood there stunned. It was true.

His dream was indeed a memory.

And judging by how drunk both of them were that night, it was no surprise they didn't remember.

/

Tony was determined to start the day as if nothing had happened. However, the cold shivers that ran through his body might prove to be a setback in that plan of his. When he woke up, it took a couple of moments for him to realize where exactly he was, as the memories of the events of the previous day assaulted his mind. He felt his throat sore and started coughing. When the painful fight for breath was over, he put his usual mask on, the mask of someone who had nothing to worry about. After folding the blanket, putting it, as well as the pillow, on the end of the sofa, he wrote a small _'thank you'_ note, placing it on Vance's desk, took his, now dry, clothes from the bathroom, then went downstairs.

He was both glad and disappointed at seeing that Gibbs was not there. Since it was 05:30 AM, he decided to go home. He took his stuff from the drawer, and the backpack that he had thrown on the floor the day prior then walked away, leaving the bullpen empty.

After taking a well needed hot shower, trying to warm his bones, he packed another bag of spare clothes as he noticed his locker was almost empty, them made his way to the coffee shop near his building, since his refrigerator was empty, and he desperately needed his hazelnut cream coffee. He took a couple of aspirins with him, recognizing the signs he had, hoping it wouldn't turn into a Pneumonia. Last thing he needed right now was to end up in the hospital.

/

Like every day, he stopped by Kate's grave on his way to work. He talked to her, cried his heart out. He felt somewhat better after that.

''I miss you, Kate.'' He said solemnly, wiping the tears away. ''I wish you were here. I need you, need my sister. Need your wisdom. Because...I'm falling...and there is no one to catch me.''

He couldn't see Kate, dressed in a white gown, as she sat next to him, listening to his every word, sharing his pain, and wishing she was there. Wishing she could touch him, give him a, so much needed, hug and support. A comfort he was desperate for.

''Oh, Tony.'' She whispered, tears sliding down her face.

For ten years she had been following him, as a ghost, her heart breaking when ever he cried. Sometimes she even thought he could see her. He would get this strange look in his eyes when he would look at her former desk, but that was probably her wishful thinking. She didn't mind she was unable to cross over. She was more needed here. To watch over him.

When she realized, partly surprised, that his mind was the only one she could appear in, she often talked to him in his dreams, deleting it from his memory afterwards, but after three years she realized it was only making it hard for him to move on, she stopped. Not that he moved on either way. She was content with watching over him from the distance. Even though they bickered all the time, she did love him and cared for him.

''I miss you too.'' She said, watching him leave.

/

Tony was just walking through the metal detector in the Navy Yard when he heard his name being called from behind. Recognizing McGee's voice, he waited for him while talking friendly with the security guard at the door. Through all his work life, he always made sure he was friendly with the guards and LEO's, and thus he had many friends.

''What's up McYeller?'' He joked, adding a new nickname into his vocabulary.

Thrown off guard by how casual Tony looked and sounded after yesterday, McGee frowned at the new nickname. He glared at both Tony and Evan, the security guard when they started chuckling.

''I guess nothing is wrong. You're back to your usual, annoying self.'' McGee sighed, then frowned again, seeing how Tony's eyes darkened for a second, but it was over before he could even blink.

''Hey, did you hear Abby had a job interview at the Ritz Carlton? Celebrating with cocktails and all that.'' Tony asked after a moment, walking to the elevator.

''What?'' McGee asked confused. ''No, I didn't. Look, Tony...about what happened yesterday...''

''Yesterday? What happened?'' Tony asked, raising an eyebrow in a challenging way. ''Huh, I wonder if Gibbs knows?''

''Stop changing the subject! We are talking about what you said yesterday!'' McGee started fuming, exasperated with Tony's behavior.

Thankfully, they were the only ones in the elevator, and Tony looked sharply at the young agent. He flicked a switch, stopping the ride upstairs. ''We are NOT talking about that. Am I understood, Agent McGee?'' He asked in a deadly tone of a voice, accompanying it with a glare that could rival Gibbs'.

McGee would never tell him, but underneath that glare, coming either from Tony or Gibbs, he always felt like a small child. It was unnerving to say the least. Finally, McGee couldn't do anything but give one small nod, accepting his fate, and Tony flipped the switch back on. He walked behind Tony, without a word, when the elevator door opened. He knew he could never be a match to Tony or pry anything out of him. Seeing Ziva emerging from the elevator two minutes later, he hoped she would be successful than him.

''Morning.'' Ziva greeted them, then looked at Tony as he powered his computer. ''You okay, Tony?''

''Shouldn't I be?'' He answered, not even looking at her.

''Well, yesterday you...'' She started, but Tony interrupted her in an angry tone.

''I will tell you exactly what I told McGee. Nothing happened yesterday. Am I making myself clear? If nothing, respect that.'' He said, throwing an dark glare her way.

''What is that supposed to mean?'' Ziva bristled.

''Oh, I think you know very well.''

Any retort she might've had, died when she heard a cart coming toward their part of the bullpen. She watched in amazement how Tony's personality changed in a matter of a second. Instead of a cold and dark glare, on his face was now a friendly smile. A smile that actually reached his eyes. She was shocked when she realized that he never, in all the years they worked together, looked at her that way. When he smiled at her, the smile seemed reserved, distant. And that sudden revelation somehow disturbed her. It caused her to question if she ever really knew the man sitting across from her. It was a hard pill to take because she thought they were friends... family.

''Hey, Tony!'' Cindy, the office mail woman, smiled at him, handing him a bunch of letters from the cart she was steering around the building.

''Hey Cindy.'' Tony smiled back, then asked. ''How's Jamie?''

''Oh, he is fine. At home, in his bed, watching movies. He said that breaking his leg was the best thing that happened this year. He can lie down and be lazy all day.'' She chuckled. ''He is just sorry the basketball team lost one of the best players. You should visit him. I'm sure he would be happy to see you.''

''I will. Best player, my foot.'' Tony laughed. ''I taught him everything he knows. And you can tell him I said so.''

''Sure, Tony.'' Cindy laughed, walking away.

Tony roamed through the pile of letters, surprised to notice that each year, the job offers seemed to multiple. As he suspected, Fornell's offer was among the letters as well and he chuckled inwardly. It was their little thing they had going on. Almost every week, like clockwork, Fornell would send him a job offer. It warmed his heart. He felt wanted, felt he was actually good at his work, that he was making a difference in the world. If he ever decided to leave NCIS, he knew he had various possibilities to choose from. Even the _'dark side'_, the FBI.

/

''Gear up. Dead Marine.'' Gibbs said, strolling toward his desk to collect his gun and badge, casting a glance at Tony.

He didn't say anything else, since it was hardly the right place and time for personal conversation. He was well aware of the tension between the trio, overhearing everything that was being said. If Tony wanted to act like nothing was wrong, he would play it that way. But they would talk. Sooner or later. The document in his pocket seemed like it weighted a ton.

* * *

**A/N** Oh, boy, the surprises keep on coming. *evil laugh* I have a reason for adding Kate as a ghost, and for Senior being a murderer. So, what do you think Gibbs' memory is really about? I'm sure you've guessed it already. *grin*

Hope you liked this chapter. Thanks to every one of you who put this story on alert, favorite and who took the time to review. I hope you will share your thoughts again.

Until next chapter. Thank you for reading. :)


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